My BIG decision…

It was from hell week at work- again….my boss who is almost (not quite. I’m older and have clocked in my time with this) as arrogant as I, pushed every button in my psyche he could put his hands on.  I’ve been battling with my depression over the past few weeks and my resistance was low.  I didn’t blow but I really wanted to.

After going to church today and hearing a toe (mine) stomping sermon about anger and hearing Beni do his magic with a song, I made a big decision.  Afterwards at the church dinner, I hung out with the teens and introduced the girls to sugar and butter delicious Takeshi Kaneshiro and having lunch with them, I left church and went to the Japanese Garden to visit the nishikigoi.  I’ll clarify something……The gorgeous actor was not with me.  I just happened to mention, while they were talking about hot guys, this wonderful actor and reeled off a half dozen of his movies for them.

Anyway, while teasing the nishikigoi with a few chopped grapes, I went all quiet inside myself.  I just raised a white flag and surrendered my anger at my boss and my situation.  I took the target off my back and the “Easy Button” off my soul.  I had a talk with Jesus, told him all my troubles, took them out of my IN basket and put them in His.  I’m a control freak.  It was hard and I imagine I’ll need a reminder.

But today, I decided I am back in control of my life – not the government, not my boss, not my gossipy co-workers, not my passive husband, not my mother, not my cat (we all know though there is no snooze alarm on a cat who wants his breakfast).

I am going to start flexing my faith muscle again – it’s gotten flabby over the past couple of weeks.  I’ve been listening to some old 8 track tapes that say over and over again – you’re a failure.  You aren’t pretty.  You aren’t smart enough.  You never became what my father and I wanted you to be.  You aren’t a typical woman – you aren’t the wife I thought I could make you become.  You are old and useless.  You have accomplished nothing.  Your father would be ashamed……I’m sorry. I’ve installed a new soundsystem and these tapes don’t work in the new one.

I understand particle physics.  I know about string theory.  I’m a mean Kendo partner.  I spar full tilt.  I am kind to animals.  Even herons will eat from my hand.  I am a supportive and loyal friend.  I have become a woman who can ballroom dance (I am an excellent tango-er) and I have three – yes three different Star Trek uniforms in my closet.  I have attained commander status.  I know more about cooking and cooking history and cooking chemistry than any one human should know.  I had an amazing and incredible love in my life.  I can smell snow when it is coming.  I am going to teach the teens how to make various types of sushi.

And to top off all of these amazing things, I have as my friend, the Lord Jesus Christ.  He loves me and all He wants me to do is sit at His feet and learn from Him and be loved by Him.  He doesn’t give pop quizzes or call me out in front of the class.  I am precious in His sight.

His will has become my will.  He doesn’t call me to anything great or noble or amazing…..He doesn’t say I have to be a doctor, or lawyer, or engineer, or pretty, or a stay at home mom, or a preacher….He just calls me to love others as He loves me.  It’s a hard job and it is one that can’t be done while harboring anger and carrying toxic baggage.

So that is my decision for today – God bless you all on your journies as you find what it is you need.  I know a great nishikigoi pond to hang out by.  It is open 24/7/365…

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Beni
    Feb 11, 2013 @ 01:03:50

    頑張って。Try your best.

    Reply

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