Kunoichi-no-Chesterfield, or Owarai Kombi

It was a dark and stormy night….no, it wasn’t. Actually it was very early Monday a.m. My husband awakens me from a sound sleep with a hiss “someone is trying to break in the house”. I nod to let him know I heard and understand. He slides from his side of the bed and quickly slips on a pair of shorts and grabs the metal baseball bat. Equally soundless, I slip into my Ed Hardy tennis shoes (my favorite pair with the aqua and white stripes, rhinestones, geisha on one side, koi on the other). I slide open my lingerie drawer and pull out my sword.

We make our way down the hall in blackness. Sure enough, someone is rattling and kicking at our door. On the silent count of three, my husband jerks open the door and I switch on the light, my sword held high, ready to behead the invader.

A 20-something kid takes in my nakedness, white hair and sword and then rivets to my husband in red silk boxers holding the metal bat. Terror written all over him, he screams and falls to his knees, face to the floor. Obviously, the vengeful demons before him have scared him sober. The kid was beyond drunk and had become confused and thought he was at his own door.

Brad pulls him to his feet while I stand there, sword still in ready position, trying very hard not to burst out in laughter. “Good freaking grief. What an idiot.” and I smack him on the back of his head. We decide for Brad to drive him home a few streets over. I go and put on some clothes and follow behind in my car.

When we get there, I reach up and grab his hear and pull him down to my level, roundly lecturing him…stupid…driving that drunk…I could have killed you (his knees buckled at that)..be ashamed…stupid…ought to beat your butt…Brad stood with arms folded leaning against the car and shaking his head.

“yes ma’am…no ma’am….sorry ma’am…blubber blubber blubber.

He stumbles into his own house and we drive home, laughing hysterically all the way. “Did you see the look on his face?” “I’m surprised he didn’t poop his pants.”

A friend who heard this story commented: “I would have loved to see the look on the kid’s face. You KNOW he will tell his friends about “the mysterious lady with a Japanese sword down the road.” Your home WILL be the mark of intrigue and mystery–a haven of two non-super heroes with a sword and a metal bat. This is comic book material worthy of the Eisner Awards–Blade of the Not-So-Immortal Kunoichi, published by Not-So-Dark Horse Comics. Better yet, submit this plot to Quentin Tarantino as the basic outline of the third installment of the Kill Bill saga, Kill the drunk kid!”

Because of this episode, I have been given another title and to be honest, I like this one best: Kunoichi-no-Chesterfield

I think it is better than the Carolina Cherry Blossom, Wren, Magnolia of the East, Empress of the 11/16 Society.

Lord, what fools these mortals be. I’m still trying to decide what frightened him more – the deadly sword or the naked lady in Ed Hardy tennis shoes.

22 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Beni
    Sep 23, 2013 @ 22:10:30

    Recipe for guaranteed encopresis: take one drunkard, remove wakizashi 脇差 from lingerie drawer, and hide in the shadow poised in jōdan-no-kamae 上段の構え:じょうだんのかまえ. Add one nude white-haired warrior and dice like a crazed demon.

    For guaranteed death from myocardial infarction WITH soiled undergarment, add kabuto, mempo, and Ed Hardy shoes with geisha and koi design to nude white-haired warrior. Startle drunkard with swift 180-degree hop-and-turn from nearby shadow. Repeat as necessary until demonstration of repulsive odor and brown stain emanates from where “da sun don’t shine.”

    A Google search for “owarai kombi” yields this blog article in the top ten results. Impressive.

    Reply

    • kanzensakura
      Sep 24, 2013 @ 09:42:40

      What amazes is this: no one has asked, Your lingerie drawer? or thought that unusual.

      > Date: Tue, 24 Sep 2013 02:10:30 +0000
      > To: thspencer51@hotmail.com
      >

      Reply

    • kanzensakura
      Sep 24, 2013 @ 19:14:18

      Although this is a true happening, I think it would be a worthy session in one of the Downtown No Laugh batsu season shows. The drunk kid is the boke (Tanaka), I am the guest tsukkomi, and supporting cast of regulars would include Matsumoto, Hamada, Yamasaki, and Endo. I would dare them not to laugh at any of the sequence of events in “No laugh suburbia, batsu game”.

      I think you are now the official wit of the 11/16 Society.

      Reply

      • Beni
        Sep 25, 2013 @ 22:31:46

        In my imagination, this would be the sequacious series of events:

        1. In this batsu game, one unlucky participant is chosen to run the gauntlet down a long, quiet, dark hallway alone.
        2. A blast of CO2 is inserted into the participant’s butt. The participant must gather all willpower to traverse this dark scare scene without losing control of his anal sphincter.
        2. White-haired warrior with sword suddenly pops out of the darkness.
        3. Victim drops to the floor from shear fright.
        4. Down the hall, all that is heard is shrill screams as loud staccato farting bursts from the other orifice without control. It is uncertain whether the screams are due to the glint of a sharp sword within striking distance or the realization that the attacker is wearing nothing but effulgent Ed Hardy shoes.
        5. Staccato bursts of farting persist with no end.
        6. Did I mention staccato farting yet? Right.

        OMG! If I were to witness this, I would automatically bend over to receive batsu long before “laughing my butt off.”

        Reply

        • kanzensakura
          Sep 26, 2013 @ 14:13:24

          Hamada would of course have some goofy costume accessory or a cannister that also emittef pink vapor.

          And we really need to talk about your preoccupation with butts and their functions…

          Reply

    • David Emeron
      Oct 01, 2013 @ 09:23:18

      You are the fabled Beni! Do you have a blog of your own, young man? Your gravatar lends no clue.

      Reply

  2. twohp2few
    Sep 24, 2013 @ 05:31:38

    haha I haven’t had a chuckle this good in a long time. Would have loved to see the look on this guy’s face. Let’s hope he thinks twice before drinking and driving again haha.

    Reply

  3. David Emeron
    Oct 01, 2013 @ 09:27:08

    I love this story! This is one of the class to which the msm never does justice–nor even reports. As a young friend of mine is fond of saying: “You can’t make this stuff up!!”

    Naruto intones: “Sexy Jutsu!!”

    Reply

  4. David Emeron
    Oct 01, 2013 @ 09:28:36

    Reblogged this on David Emeron: Sonnets and commented:
    Nakid Konoichi Jutsu!!!!

    Reply

  5. ThePlagueFairy
    Oct 31, 2013 @ 13:01:51

    Bwahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa*breathe*hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa*snort*aaaaaaaaa
    aaaaaaaaaheeeee…..

    There really must be a more appropriate place to blog this under than the simple heading “musings”. I have tears running down my face from laughing so hard and I thank you for that! Makes for a delightful morning! Thank you!!

    heh

    breathe…

    Reply

    • kanzensakura
      Nov 01, 2013 @ 07:48:43

      I am so very glad this gave you a good laugh. I do hope it didn’t cause you to spew your coffee if you were drinking coffee while reading this. It is a shame to waste good coffee. not many folks liked this one but that’s okay. A week after this happened, my husband had walked out to our mailbox to retrieve the afternoon mail. He said a car with several youngish man-boys went slowly driving by and were pointing at our house. Oh my. I think we have become an urban legend. Not as much fun as the Richmond Vampire, but at least of comic book proporations. Thank you so much! I hope you enjoy the times you are able to visit me. it is also good to have you. What was it Dracula said? Something like, “enter freely, go safely and leave some of the happiness you bring..”? > Date: Thu, 31 Oct 2013 17:01:51 +0000 > To: thspencer51@hotmail.com >

      Reply

      • ThePlagueFairy
        Nov 01, 2013 @ 11:56:13

        Oh, my! you did it again!!

        What was it Dracula said? Something like, “enter freely, go safely and leave some of the happiness you bring..”?

        I rarely admit to the undignified posture of spewing coffee but here stands my monitor as witness. And yes, it was good coffee. Heh! As they say, “The tale grew in the telling” and I think it only right that you are as much a legend in the real world as you are in the online world. A comic book kunoichi come to life right in their neighborhood to scare them straight! Bless their hearts… Did you notice many extra large trick-or-treaters this year I wonder?

        Reply

        • kanzensakura
          Nov 03, 2013 @ 17:18:01

          Please do swallow your coffee first…..I was almost one of the “over large” trick or treaters. Of course, being 4’10”, one can only be so large. My husband said if I dressed up as a ninja and carried a plastic sword, he would take me around the ritzy neighborhoods and we’d split the proceeds. I was sorely tempted, but did not. after all, I do have my dignity to preserve. I could of have gone to an adult Halloweenparty stark naked except for my tennis shoes, but I would not have been given any candy.

          Reply

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