So Sorry

For Bjorn’s prompt over at Toads, The Unreliable Narrator. “Today we shall explore the concept of the unreliable narrator, which is a concept defined first 1961 by Wayne C. Both in The Rhetoric of Fiction, and which means a story told from someone whose credibility is seriously compromised.” Few things can be more unreliable that a coked up chef.  Part fact, part fiction.


So Sorry

“What do I do when lightning strikes me And I wake to find that you’re not there?…Why can’t we talk it over? Oh it seems to me That sorry seems to be the hardest word” Bernie Taupin

The bit of warm liquid began slowly sliding from my nostril
down to my lip. I sniffed it back up and used my hand to
wipe my lip. I need to leave for a minute I told my fry cook.
Cover for me.
He gave me a knowing look as I slipped out to the restroom
and wiped my nose and stuffed a bit of toilet paper up
my nose. I was in a quandary. I was starting to wind down
and needed a few more lines of coke.
But I had a small nosebleed.
I went ahead and pulled the small brown bottle from
My jeans pocket and pulled out the spoon from
around my neck.
The spoon was inlaid with lapis and was sterling silver.
I had bought it in Italy the year before.
I thought about the note I had left my partner:
I need to talk to you. When I get home. Please.
those people I had sex with in the cooler didn’t mean a thing.
I am sorry. Please forgive me
And I did a few more spoons of coke and was so wired
when I returned to the line I was pulling orders from
everyone and cooking like there was no tomorrow.
3:00 AM and I was home. the note was still taped to the bathroom mirror.
His clothes were gone.
I sat in my chair and slowly wept.
I pulled the bottle of brandy from the cupboard
and began slugging it down.
I’m sorry, I muttered. So sorry. So sorry.

25 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Sherry Marr
    Sep 01, 2019 @ 01:08:25

    You have written this so well. I cant think of a more painful life than that of those who suffer from addiction. Sadly, the pain they seek to numb turns into more pain. Until they are ready to stop. And then i cant think of any accomplishment greater.

    Reply

    • kanzensakura
      Sep 01, 2019 @ 14:16:13

      The accomplishment? It is never accomplished. It is always starting fresh the next day in the recovery process. It is ever ongoing.

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      Reply

  2. kanzensakura
    Sep 01, 2019 @ 01:14:41

    Thank you Sherry. A miserable life indeed. An ugly bottom to hit. Some people don’t make it. Which is heartbreaking.

    Reply

  3. kim881
    Sep 01, 2019 @ 02:56:42

    A tough read and, I imagine, a tough write, especially when you have known an addict (or addicts). The slipping out to the restroom is typical, as is the special spoon, a way of glamourising the habit, and forever apologising until it doesn’t mean anything to anyone but the addict.

    Reply

  4. Kerry
    Sep 01, 2019 @ 04:42:12

    This is a gut-wrenching read. I guess everyone has their own reality, which is so hard to convey to someone who is not living it.

    Reply

  5. Misky
    Sep 01, 2019 @ 06:23:01

    This was almost too painful to read…

    Reply

  6. Björn Rudberg (brudberg)
    Sep 01, 2019 @ 10:10:23

    I have understood that there is no one less reliable than a junkie, and I guess in the end even those close to you give up. I wonder if there is a turning point, or if there is yet a line to call before the bottom hits.

    Reply

    • kanzensakura
      Sep 01, 2019 @ 14:11:22

      Spmetimes there is a bottom to hit and other times there is not. Sometimes it is to roll aound in the muck at the bottom of a trash bin, other times it is the top bag on top of the heap. Depends on the addict abd tbeir addiction(s)

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  7. Vivian Zems
    Sep 01, 2019 @ 11:01:15

    This was a tough read Toni. And life of an addict must be the most hellish life there is. The other side of the story or, the other person’s side of the story will shed a different light on the situation I’m sure.

    Reply

  8. Linda Lee Lyberg
    Sep 01, 2019 @ 14:05:29

    This was hard to read Toni. And so many people end up that way.

    Reply

  9. sanaarizvi
    Sep 01, 2019 @ 15:33:55

    This is incredibly heart-wrenching, Toni. You portray the harsh reality and life of an addict so well here.

    Reply

  10. Just Barry
    Sep 01, 2019 @ 23:10:29

    This is a well-written depiction of the tragedy of addiction and what can be lost… exceptional writing.

    Reply

  11. Susie Clevenger
    Sep 02, 2019 @ 11:06:54

    Addiction is a beast that never leaves. You have written a piece of its horrors so well. One day at a time…

    Reply

  12. Peggy C
    Sep 02, 2019 @ 12:23:36

    Thank you, Toni, for this achingly sad depiction of addiction and loss.

    Reply

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