Stepping into Darkness

For Laura Bloomsbury’s prompt at dVerse Poets Pub – Making Much of Madness. Most of you know I have been grieving the deaths of my mother and two friends who committed suicide last June.This is a poem I wrote earlier and have taken it and revamped it. The suicide in this poem is the late great chef, Anthony Bourdain. a good friend. Graphic Suicide Verbiage in Poem.

Stepping Into Darkness
“I know, too, that death is the only god who comes when you call.” ― Roger Zelazny, Frost & Fire

No one knew his thoughts
as he stepped off the edge of the tub
and fell into infinity,
the tie around his neck,
his legs kicking,
the breath being cut off from his heart and brain,
his last thought as his heart lurched and stopped –
*you can keep my things, they’ve come to take me home.
It had been building through the years –
Depression deepening,
The spaces between pure laughter
and love of life widening.
You could see it building in his eyes.
One day, he did it.
He ripped off a tie from the hanger in his closet.
He tied it around his neck
And then to the shower rod –
you can keep my things, they’ve come to take me home.

* line from Solsbury Hill

WE CAN ALL HELP PREVENT SUICIDE. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals. 1-800-273-8255

17 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Laura Bloomsbury
    Sep 10, 2019 @ 16:08:04

    extremely moving poem and vividly seen through the eyes of someone who saw “The spaces between pure laughter
    and love of life widening.”

    The prompt must have touched more than a few nerves so thank you for joining in

    Reply

  2. Björn Rudberg (brudberg)
    Sep 10, 2019 @ 16:12:12

    I remember reading this the first time around… suicide is the ultimate sign of madness and depression, and maybe in a bipolar world the depression following mania is darker the brighter the mania was.

    Reply

    • kanzensakura
      Sep 10, 2019 @ 16:17:55

      I don’t know about madness but I do know about the depression. I know when I almost topped myself. I walked out of the restaurant mid-shift. Everyday in this country, a kitchen worker committs suicide.

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      Reply

  3. msjadeli
    Sep 10, 2019 @ 16:30:38

    Difficult to know what to say {{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

    Reply

  4. Catherine-Jayne
    Sep 10, 2019 @ 17:20:17

    So sorry to learn of your recent losses and grief, and how honest and beautiful a poem you created. Thank you for sharing it with us xx

    Reply

  5. Glenn A. Buttkus
    Sep 10, 2019 @ 17:45:56

    The intensity with which you live your life makes my own seems tame and mundane. Thank the gods you’ve had poetry as an outlet, a stint to relieve stress.

    Reply

    • kanzensakura
      Sep 10, 2019 @ 18:09:58

      Thank you Glenn. I have always lived my life intensely. Comes from being a Scorpio with the sun and Venus in Scorpio.

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      Reply

  6. Victoria Stuart
    Sep 10, 2019 @ 18:28:25

    These words really resonate: Depression deepening,
    The spaces between pure laughter
    and love of life widening.. You could see it building in his eyes.

    And Solsbury Hill was my favorite song in 1977. (Right now, I keep singing, My heart going boom, boom, boom.) Thank you for reminding me how much I still love it after all of these years. And thank you for sharing this beautiful poem.

    Reply

  7. Linda Lee Lyberg
    Sep 10, 2019 @ 18:43:22

    Ah, Toni. Heartbreaking and beautiful.

    Reply

  8. kim881
    Sep 11, 2019 @ 02:44:51

    I remember this poem the first time around and understand it well. We had an acquaintance who committed suicide not long after renovating our utility room. I remember his jokes cheerful personality as he went about his work and the shock when my husband told me of his death, which is why these lines hit home:
    ‘The spaces between pure laughter
    and love of life widening.’
    It takes a lot to drive one to that place – and to succeed in the fall into infinity.

    Reply

  9. sarahsouthwest
    Sep 11, 2019 @ 04:25:08

    This is a brave and burning poem, hard to read.

    Reply

  10. purplepeninportland
    Sep 11, 2019 @ 20:06:41

    “The spaces between pure laughter
    and love of life widening.. ”

    You really have to know someone to be able to see this happening.

    Reply

  11. Maggie C
    Sep 11, 2019 @ 23:53:12

    The signs often go missed because people become unwilling to look you in the eye. To see it building in someone’s eyes is so frightening. I am sorry for your losses.

    Reply

  12. lynn__
    Sep 12, 2019 @ 15:48:51

    I also had a friend who hung herself…this is all too real, Toni. Hugs!

    Reply

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