The End

A haibun for DVerse Poets Pub. It is about new beginnings. I am ending the haibun with an American Sentence instead of a classic haiku.

The End
“Grief is like living two lives – One is like pretending everything is alright, and the other where your heart silently screams in pain.” Anonymous

December 22 my husband died unexpectedly. He had been in the hospital for a few days but then, he died. I sat and held him untl he drew his last breath. Christmas did not exist this year. The New Year’s did not exist. Nothing exists except the deep pain. I walk around the empty house and look out of the windows. The beginning of the year dawns grey and rainy. I curl up in Brad’s recliner wrapped in the blanket. I don’t think I will ever get warm again. Half of my heart has died.
I look up from the depths of a mine, a caged canary beating my wings against cold death.

30 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. lillian
    Jan 06, 2020 @ 16:48:16

    OhToni!!! I am so shocked and so very very sorry this has happened. And here I’ve written about the exact opposite with my husband. I cannot imagine the pain and the emptiness and the feeling that something huge is missing within you. I am so so very sorry. Words are inadequate. I send you my love.


  2. Linda Lee Lyberg
    Jan 06, 2020 @ 17:12:38

    Toni, my heart goes out to you. I know there is nothing any of us can say or do to help your pain. My greatest wish is you find your way through it. Sending you lots of love and positive light.


  3. Glenn A. Buttkus
    Jan 06, 2020 @ 17:14:07

    When you shared his hospitalization on FB, I feared this might be his time. I send you strong arm hugs, and heartfelt healing vibes. This loss on the heels of your mother’s passing must be devastating.


  4. msjadeli
    Jan 06, 2020 @ 17:24:50

    Oh Toni.


  5. msjadeli
    Jan 06, 2020 @ 17:26:08

    Words do not exist that could ease your sorrow


  6. Beverly Crawford
    Jan 06, 2020 @ 17:58:48

    I send healing thoughts. It was a December of sorrows here as well with three funerals in rapid succession, one for a beautiful 25 year old who committed suicide. It seems death comes knocking more often during the holidays. I’m so sorry for your loss.


  7. rothpoetry
    Jan 06, 2020 @ 18:25:17

    Oh, Toni, I am so sorry to hear this. I cannot imagine the pain you must be going through. I hope you have caring family or friends to surround you with love during this most difficult time.


  8. sarahsouthwest
    Jan 06, 2020 @ 18:37:35

    Toni, that’s terrible, too hard, too painful. I’m so sorry. I wish there was something I could say to make things better. All I can do is send love and strength.


  9. Gospel Isosceles
    Jan 06, 2020 @ 20:24:22

    Curl up in your husband’s recliner and stay wrapped in a blanket, wrapped in grief and in memories of your love. Grief itself is the only tiny comfort now. My husband is my only friend in life and I don’t see how I would ever get by without him. I mourn your loss with you, Toni.


  10. robtkistner
    Jan 06, 2020 @ 20:52:22

    I am lost for words Toni — how tragic! May you find your way to peace in 2020, wrapped in loving memories of your husband.


  11. Sherry Marr
    Jan 06, 2020 @ 21:26:42

    Yes, I imagine it feels like you are looking up from a mine. I hope there is some comfort in his recliner, with his spiritual arms around you. Hard days you are walking through, the hardest ever. I hope your cats are staying close by you for comfort. So hard to start a new year this way.


  12. calmkate
    Jan 06, 2020 @ 22:05:35

    I feel your raw pain, agony … now I get your comment about ‘nice to feel warm’!

    And above I read you recently lost your Mum too, grief is the pits. Take care and hold onto your hat, it’s a bumpy ride … praying you have good supports


  13. Frank Hubeny
    Jan 06, 2020 @ 22:40:20

    I am sorry for your loss, Toni. Best wishes.


  14. kim881
    Jan 07, 2020 @ 03:11:48

    Dear Toni, I’ve been thinking of you since I first read about your loss. I feel for you, knowing there is nothing anyone can say or do to relieve the pain. I can only send love. Keep that blanket wrapped around you.


  15. areadingwriter
    Jan 07, 2020 @ 03:54:52

    Oh dear, Oh dear. I have no words, Toni. I am sending virtual love.


  16. merrildsmith
    Jan 07, 2020 @ 06:28:01

    Toni, I don’t have any words that can express anything to you that will help, but again, I am so sorry for your loss.


  17. Christine Bolton
    Jan 07, 2020 @ 08:45:46

    I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you at such a dreadful time. May you have the strength and resources to help and comfort you now. Thinking of you and sending you love ❤️


  18. Michelle Denness
    Jan 07, 2020 @ 09:50:41

    Bless you, my heart goes out to you. Sending you love and strength 💜


  19. georgeplace2013
    Jan 07, 2020 @ 10:07:45

    I am so sorry, Toni. My heart hurts for you.


  20. whippetwisdom
    Jan 07, 2020 @ 10:46:08

    We continue to send you love Toni xxx


  21. Laura Bloomsbury
    Jan 07, 2020 @ 11:05:07

    I am deeply sorry to hear of your loss and know exactly what your words mean as the same happened to me a year ago. I am still reeling from it all and seem to be in a parallel existence of going forward whilst remaining behind


  22. lynn__
    Jan 07, 2020 @ 13:45:28

    My deepest sympathy to you, Toni. How painful it must be, thanks for sharing with us. I pray you find peace.


  23. Jane Dougherty
    Jan 07, 2020 @ 14:53:51

    No words can help. I’m so sorry.


  24. Björn Rudberg (brudberg)
    Jan 07, 2020 @ 15:17:34

    This make me so sad to read… there is a beginning somewhere out there for you, but right now I know you can see nothing but an end. Stay as warm as you can my friend.


  25. gillena cox
    Jan 07, 2020 @ 23:06:55

    My condolences Toni. Be patient with yourself in your grief.
    New Year Blessings



  26. Jane Swanson
    Jan 08, 2020 @ 15:29:09

    This is so sad. I hope the vehicle of writing will help you to maneuver thru the grief.


  27. Linda Kruschke
    Jan 08, 2020 @ 15:32:44

    Oh Toni, I am so sorry for your loss. Know you are in my prayers.


  28. Grace
    Jan 08, 2020 @ 19:07:52

    I am so very sorry to read this. I am sending you my heartfelt condolences, prayers and hugs Toni.


  29. purplepeninportland
    Jan 10, 2020 @ 20:47:17

    Toni, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Grief is a very personal thing,
    and do not let anyone tell you when it’s time to move on. They do not know.


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