dVerse Poets Pub: Quadrille – Hope

De is our pubtender today at dVerse. She is giving us the word “hope” to use in our quadrilles. What is a quadrille? It is a poem of exactly 44 words, excluding the title. A prompted word is to be used in the poem. Any derivative of the word hope is accepted. I have included one of my favorite songs from the now defunct program, Enterprise: Strenght of the Heart. I hope you all will listen.  This song has gotten me through some hard times.  I hope it will bring hope to your heart.  It keeps me from negativity!

Hope
As long as there are stars in the night sky
As long as trees endure,
As long as children sing and play,
As long as people share goodness with each other,
As long as we have love in our hearts
I will have hope.

Happy 2015: Faith of the Heart

copyright kanzensakura

Happy new year, my friends who have become family. I wish you all the best of everything that is good to be present in your life and the lives of those you love.

I read your posts. Like me, I know you all have had rough patches, sad times, fear, despair….I have read of your struggles but mostly, I have read of your victories.  How you kept going in spite of everything.  You have lost jobs, homes, those you love.  You have been diagnosed with illnesses, had accidents. injuries.  But mostly, I have read of your faith and hope.

And always, I read your comments to me encouraging me.  I hope I have encouraged you all as well.

So….Happy 2015.  I know many of you will relate to this song which has reminded me many times of that “faith of the heart”.  I pray we are all of moving from the cold dark to the warm light.  You all lift me up and I hope on this first day of the new year, I can do the same for you.

My prayers go out for you all daily.  Bless you all.

 

Cup of Kindness – 2015

 

And so we come to the end of another year. This has been a year of tremendous changes. In spite of so many hard things, there have been many good things.  In March, I lost my job due to ageism and racism. Ugly combination, hey? And as time has progressed, my mother has become more fragile in her health and after rescuing her from a bad situation in Florida and taking her to live with her youngest sister in Tennessee, she just seemed to just step off the edge of the cliff. Health folks often call it that. She is now in and out of reality. Dementia is a demon from which there is no escape. I call her daily. The other day she asked me where my father was and why he hadn’t been to visit. I gently told her he died 30 years ago. She didn’t remember. This is a daily heartbreak for me. It is also a daily reminder of those fragile relationships that mean so very much and could suddenly….end.

But there has been highs in this past year. I’ve been able to devote more time to my writing, reading, cooking, independent study and went back to school for pharmacy. Being an engineer, my outlook isn’t the typical glass half empty/full thing. Our thing is, if the glass is half empty or half full, then get another glass. So I got another glass.

I am also ending this year finding out that my deep depression disorder is not that at all. I am bi-polar. Not a death sentence by any means but a life sentence none the less. But I can and will cope. I have the best husband in the world and I have friends – beyond excellent friends.  Hope and faith – words for the new tomorrow.  I promise, I’ll do my best not to be whiney about it!

Dear Chloe over at: http://sirenatales.wordpress.com did a post on Automaticity. Just what I was thinking for the past week or so. Basically, practice makes perfect. Practice a dance move, a speech pattern, whatever – until you do it automatically without thinking. Like when I draw my wakizashi with that single sweep and into fight position. I don’t think, I do.

What to practice in 2015 until it becomes so engrained? Here’s my list. What about yours?   Compassion, hope, joy, positivity, sharing, honor, humility of spirit, curiosity, open mindedness, open heart, gentleness, faith…big one – Faith. 

I forget who said this: When we worry today, we rob tomorrow of its hope.  There.  Nuff said.

I thank all of you who follow both my blogs; this one and Aki no Koe. Thank you for your likes, comments, kindnesses, prayers, positive thoughts. Thank you for your posts and all you have shared. Blessings to you in 2015.  I wish you all and those you hold dear, the best that can be granted to you.

And above all, let us practice kindness. Let us drink deeply from that cup o’ kindness and pass it on. Let us practice it until we don’t have to even think about it. Kindness as automatic as our hearts beating. Sharing it without thinking.

Six Years Ago Today – Return from hiatus, Cancer, and other such things

With apologies to my friend Bill Hamilton: I don’t like Florida. Good people there but it is just too darn hot and steamy – and the mosquitos…..like a biblical plague. Enough about that.  This is a long post and I hope no one will be offended by it.  I hope you will please read all of it.

This is one of those rambling posts and eventually, I’ll get to the points about the kindness of unstrangers (one of my favorite topics) and to tell you all, God’s not dead. Please don’t stop reading because this is an important post and concerns a diagnosis of cancer. I know many of you do not believe in the existence of a supreme being for whatever reason. And that is cool. I neither condemn nor attempt to convert. I just want you all to know: God’s not dead.

Six years ago, I should have died from uterine cancer, but I did not. Six years ago, I was not feeling well, was constantly tired, in pain, troublesome symptoms. I had scheduled an appointment with my MD and based on things I had told her, she determined I needed more of an exam rather than just the usual. It happens on that day, she was not able to come into the office so her PA (physicians assistant) took her calls. Being a bit hypervigilant, he examined me and took the procedure a little further than usual. A week later, my PAP smear came back with an abnormal reading. I was sent to a specialist who biopsied and then two weeks later, I found out I had uterine cancer.

Uterine cancer is normally a killer. It mimics other diseases and symptoms and because PAP smears usually are not taken from higher up than normal but this one time, the PA went higher. Because of his vigilance, the cancer was caught at virtually ground zero. Women usually die from this cancer because it is usually found and diagnosed too late.

The week before this diagnosis, I was teaching my adult Sunday School about acceptance and God’s timing. Tuesday, I was told about the cancer. I’ll be honest; I felt like I was sucker punched. I sat in my car and wept and shivered and wept some more. I kept hugging to myself that God would take care of me. I told myself over and over that what God brings me to, He will carry me through by His grace. I assured myself that the oncologist I was referred to, would take care of me. I went to him that afternoon because of the diagnosis. He told me it was nothing short of miraculous the uterine cancer had been found so early. That there was hope for my recovery. I then went home and told my family.

Telling my family was the hardest part. My mother was angry. She said that I didn’t deserve this, that I was a good person and God had no right to do this to me. My husband looked like I had kicked him in the family jewels and just stared. I was calm. I told them it would be okay that I believed, however it turned out, that it would be okay. The oncologist (one of THE best in Richmond for women’s cancers) would be taking care of me and was optimistic about my recovery. I had faith in the love of God and His plans for me.

I told myself this over and over and over. People at my church prayed for me and my family. People who didn’t know me prayed, sent their positive thoughts, vibrations, wishes…I was so surrounded by love and light from so many people, many of them strangers.

The day came for my surgery. I would be in hospital on my birthday – I took note of the irony of that. Now this is the really hard part. I know people are going to scoff at this but that’s okay too. My family and some friends were sitting in the waiting room, waiting to hear how things went and would go in the future. My husband said the doctor, when he came out was very still and had an odd look on his face. He thought to himself, he’s going to tell us she died, that she will die, that it is hopeless. My mother began crying.

The doctor then said, the surgery went well. When I opened her up, the parts that had shown up on the MRI and PET were clean. There was no cancer – everything was as clean as when I was born, no lymphatic problems, no cancer. He went ahead and performed the surgery to be on the safe side. He shook his head and told them, “This is a first for me. Your wife, your daughter is fine.” He then shook hands with everyone there and went back to perform another surgery. My mother said people began to cheer and hug each other. When my family was allowed to see me, they told me what had happened. Truly, it turned out okay. So again I say, God’s not dead.

For some reason, I was given this incredible miracle. No, it was not a mistaken diagnosis. I saw the results of the tests showing the infected parts of my body. I got a second opinion and went back to my oncologist.

I have been in Florida with my mother. She is currently in a rehab health center. She had decided to give up and starve herself to death and came really close. the week before I went down, every time the phone rang, I expected it. She asked me to please bring her some good juicy tangy Southern tomatoes. I made her tomato sandwiches twice a day while I was there and she ate every bite. I spoke to the Doctor and dietician about what she was being fed (pureed food that looked like a combo of pig puke and cow poop and smelled about the same) and why? So now she is being fed regular food and doing okay with it. We all know hospital food ain’t the best, but she is eating some of the food off her tray every day and drinking her nutritional supplement. She has gained four pounds. From being at death’s door, she is now waiting to be transitioned to assisted living.

I told Mama about all the amazing people and especially those of you in the blogosphere who sent prayers to her, who sent positive vibes and feelings of light and love. She was so encouraged by your kindness. I was as well. We still have some tough times to go through, but I feel better about some things regarding her.

And again I say, as long as there are people who care, even about strangers, no matter their belief or unbelief, that God’s Not Dead. I am proof of this. The way my mother was encouraged and lifted up is proof. I never cease to be amazed by the goodness and caring of my fellow humans on this earth.

So however you feel or believe, that is fine.  Just don’t ever stop believing in the goodness of our fellow travelers on this journey of life.  Never stop caring, never stop letting people know you care, always accept that care and love from others.

Monday Musings

Keep away from people who belittle your ambitions.
Small people always do that,
But the really great make you feel
that you too, can become great.
Mark Twain

You must always remember…
You are Braver than you believe,
Stronger than you seem,
And smarter than you think.
Christopher Robin

 

Wounded Warriors – Thank you – Faith of the Heart

I volunteer at our local Veteran’s Hospital.  It has been my privilege and honor to be of service to our service personnel who have been wounded in the line of duty.  It has been heartbreaking and heart lifting.   I can do so little and really, it is they who have helped me.

We all have our journeys and wounds – some wounds take longer to heal than other.  But I have learned from these courageous warriors, it is your attitude that is what is important – how you define your pain and suffering and healing rather than letting the wounds define you.  They encourage each other and when necessary, tell one another to get off their pity pot and start going forward.  Wow.

Several years ago, a new saga in the Star Trek mythology came on TV – Enterprise – the pre-history of the original Star Trek most of us know.  I was immediately captivated by it and not just because the luscious Scott Bakula (a long time favorite) was the star of the show.  The theme music, when first I heard it in the opening credits, brought tears flowing down my cheeks.  Faith of the Heart….the words said it all to me about my journey, pain, hard times, renewal, faith, healing.  A few Sundays ago, it was my time to do the special music for church service.  After much thought of so many other songs, I chose this.  I chose it because it is a true song. It says much about my journey of faith as well as my journey of life.

One day on one of the wards, one of the guys was having a hard time with his physical and emotional healing.  He had lost both legs below the knee and one arm at the shoulder.  He had been working so hard and today, he was so tired of it all.  I was sitting, helping a young man with his lunch when one of the other men, began singing this song.  In just a moment, it was taken up by the others.  Obviously, this song rang true to them all.  I sat there awed and humbled by these men – they were wounded for us and now, they were at their most vulnerable and yet, also at their strongest.  The young man was encouraged and began to sing along.  Afterwards, they all applauded and cheered and continued on with their healing process.  No whining, no blame, no holding back –

The video with the words is below.  As you continue your journey in life, remember these words, remember these heroes, remember: it is your choice how you heal or don’t. It is your choice how you move forward or stay stuck.  They were wounded for us, but they were healed for themselves and those they love.

Thank you again to all our service members, wounded, healed, whole, deployed, at home, retired…God bless and keep you every one.

My Words for 2014

Every year, I meditate and pray and then my words for coming year come and I use them to live in the next year. This year my words are: Choice, Joy, and No Fear.

I will choose to live my life with Joy and No Fear. The choices I make will have to do with Joy and No Fear. The choices I make will hopefully allow me to live a life of kindness, courtesy, curiosity, health.

Last year was a year full of events that caused me much fear and anxiety, depression, pain. Some I could control and others I could not. I am going to exercise my faith muscle. I do believe in a God that loves me and renews His faithfulness and love to me daily. I will choose to have more faith, more trust, I will listen to that Holy Spirit in me that whispers it is always close and there for me. I will work on that relationship of love and trust and in turn, have less fear and more joy.

I will treasure each moment and person I love. Oddly, it was a dog that led me to this, or rather, her person. I follow the blog, Rumpydog (http://wp.me/p1GPpQ-2D9) . DeDe, one of the dogs, has cancer. Her human is having a hard time with this and trust me, I understand this totally. My beloved Pugsley cat and I went through this a few years ago and it still makes me cry. I miss his sweet self. I try to be the person he always thought I was.

But anyway, Sundays, DeDe gives beauty tips. That sweet dog says, the best beauty accessory is a smile. She also said her resolve for 2014 was to live each day to the fullest because you never know how much time you have. And she is right. I’m probably too tender hearted in these things, but it makes me cry for her and for her human. And she is right.

My mom is not doing well. COPD, old age…it is scary and makes me feel like I will soon be an orphan. We never know from one breath to the next how much time we have in this life and with people we love. I lost two dear friends this year – cancer and suicide. I am still reeling from this and working through it.

So I choose to live my life full of joy. I can’t go about fearing the next moment or event. Passion, joy, excitement, curiosity. Smelling a rose, watching a robin pulling a worm out of the ground, the mental pleasure of making an A on a Quantum Mechanics course, doing the Quick Step with my husband down the hall, rubbing the sweet face of my Sam the Ripper Cat, hearing my mother’s voice on the phone. All of this and more.

What we have in this life if we choose it: grace, joy, hope, faith. I open my arms to 2014. Here’s to a year of living joyously: frying chicken, writing bad haiku and loving it, breathing in sweet winter air, tracking the progress of the flowering quince bush, smiling at babies sitting in grocery carts, being gente with elderly folks on the phone when they call for information at my job, trying to steer my teen Sunday class through the paths of righteousness, sharing my love of life and joy, being sentimental and not ashamed to feel, to making new friends, to letting my heart choose those friends rather than conventional wisdom, trying to be a loving and loyal friend, daughter, wife, woman….to continuing to blog and never getting Freshly Pressed and never having more than 300 followers which is fine because I’m okay but you folks are even better, to having a year of dreams and maybe one day…maybe sitting on the viewing platform at Ryoan-ji in the snow once again, to never having my heart closed to love…

What are your words for 2014? What are your dreams? What do you want? Face your fears – take your passion and make it happen. This is your now.

 

 

Faith, Hope, Love: A simple explanation

Faith goes up the stairs
built by Love and
looks out the window
that Hope has opened.

Charles H. Spurgeon

 

My BIG decision…

It was from hell week at work- again….my boss who is almost (not quite. I’m older and have clocked in my time with this) as arrogant as I, pushed every button in my psyche he could put his hands on.  I’ve been battling with my depression over the past few weeks and my resistance was low.  I didn’t blow but I really wanted to.

After going to church today and hearing a toe (mine) stomping sermon about anger and hearing Beni do his magic with a song, I made a big decision.  Afterwards at the church dinner, I hung out with the teens and introduced the girls to sugar and butter delicious Takeshi Kaneshiro and having lunch with them, I left church and went to the Japanese Garden to visit the nishikigoi.  I’ll clarify something……The gorgeous actor was not with me.  I just happened to mention, while they were talking about hot guys, this wonderful actor and reeled off a half dozen of his movies for them.

Anyway, while teasing the nishikigoi with a few chopped grapes, I went all quiet inside myself.  I just raised a white flag and surrendered my anger at my boss and my situation.  I took the target off my back and the “Easy Button” off my soul.  I had a talk with Jesus, told him all my troubles, took them out of my IN basket and put them in His.  I’m a control freak.  It was hard and I imagine I’ll need a reminder.

But today, I decided I am back in control of my life – not the government, not my boss, not my gossipy co-workers, not my passive husband, not my mother, not my cat (we all know though there is no snooze alarm on a cat who wants his breakfast).

I am going to start flexing my faith muscle again – it’s gotten flabby over the past couple of weeks.  I’ve been listening to some old 8 track tapes that say over and over again – you’re a failure.  You aren’t pretty.  You aren’t smart enough.  You never became what my father and I wanted you to be.  You aren’t a typical woman – you aren’t the wife I thought I could make you become.  You are old and useless.  You have accomplished nothing.  Your father would be ashamed……I’m sorry. I’ve installed a new soundsystem and these tapes don’t work in the new one.

I understand particle physics.  I know about string theory.  I’m a mean Kendo partner.  I spar full tilt.  I am kind to animals.  Even herons will eat from my hand.  I am a supportive and loyal friend.  I have become a woman who can ballroom dance (I am an excellent tango-er) and I have three – yes three different Star Trek uniforms in my closet.  I have attained commander status.  I know more about cooking and cooking history and cooking chemistry than any one human should know.  I had an amazing and incredible love in my life.  I can smell snow when it is coming.  I am going to teach the teens how to make various types of sushi.

And to top off all of these amazing things, I have as my friend, the Lord Jesus Christ.  He loves me and all He wants me to do is sit at His feet and learn from Him and be loved by Him.  He doesn’t give pop quizzes or call me out in front of the class.  I am precious in His sight.

His will has become my will.  He doesn’t call me to anything great or noble or amazing…..He doesn’t say I have to be a doctor, or lawyer, or engineer, or pretty, or a stay at home mom, or a preacher….He just calls me to love others as He loves me.  It’s a hard job and it is one that can’t be done while harboring anger and carrying toxic baggage.

So that is my decision for today – God bless you all on your journies as you find what it is you need.  I know a great nishikigoi pond to hang out by.  It is open 24/7/365…

2013…Happy New Year – Sakura waits

sakura (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The small cherry tree

stands bravely in the cold. Bare

and gnarled, branches spread

 

lifting to heaven

its prayer of hope and coming

spring.  I stopped and stood

 

gently touching the

cold wood.  Buds were forming

waiting to burst out

 

in their ordained time.

I wait for their brief beauty

as I would wait

 

for the hello kiss

of a lover, the smile of a

child, the embrace of

 

a friend.  There is no

doubt in this waiting.  There is

no unbelief it

 

will come.  Winter blue sky

above us.  The tree waits and

holds its faith in spring.

 

Surprising Survivors II – ME!!! – from Hurricane Cancer

Five years ago, I was in hospital 11/16, recovering from cancer surgery (Please see my post about The 11/16 Society).   It has been five years since that time. 

I count my recovery and survival to various things:  the first is the grace and kindness of my God and His healing power.  After that, I thank my Physician Assistant, my MD (he’s the oncologist the doctors around here send their wives to), the amazing nurses in the hospital unit, and the love and support of my family, friends, and the 11/16 Society. 

I know there are those of you who refuse to see a PA – my insurance pays for a real doctor so I want a real doctor!   My real doctor was too busy to give me my annual pelvic exam so her PA stepped in.  Because he is a diligent person who truly cares, he was hyper-vigilant with the PAP smears – one for normal, one higher up, and yet another higher up. 

 Because of this, ovarian cancer which would have been discovered until the deadly stage was discovered at Ground Zero.  He sent me to the #1 oncologist for such cancers.  My oncologist operated and was able to remove all parts (I think the term I used several times while still groggy was “gutted like a fish”).  He said no other parts were affected but he removed to be safe.  The tiny beginning was removed along with the yet unaffected sections.  He also did laser surgery and used that wonderful glue instead of stitches and staples – no infection, clean healing. 

I kept up my regular visits as ordered from both him and my PA.  I hope in future you will remember this when given a PA instead of a real doctor.  A dear friend of mine and newest member of the 11/16 Society, is in the process of being a PA.  He will be perfect – intelligent, diligent, kind, compassionate.  I can see his sweet face now as he tends to his patients. 

The week before I received my diagnosis, I had to teach a lesson to my Sunday School class about acceptance – of God doing things in His own way and His own time – bringing us out/through the exile of divorce, disease, depression, unemployment, grief, homelessness (Jeremiah 29:4-14).  If we seek Him, He will find us and when the time is right, He will bring us home (my version of this long scripture).  It also assures us God is aware of us and His plans for us – His plans, not ours.  When I received the diagnosis, I at first felt I had been sucker punched.  But then, I began to again go to the truth of this book and verses.  I became calm.  My husband and mother were basket cases. 

When the surgery was over, I was told I was fine and would be fine.  I smiled because I already knew – knew however it ended, I would be fine. 

My friends showered me with cards, flowers, balloons….the members of the 11/16 Society who were still alive or in the US, camped out when allowed and smiled and smiled – their gift to me was a small satin pillow to use when I needed to cough.  Just what I would have given one of them in similar circumstance.  On my birthday, they kindly ate strawberry shortcake for me and told me how good it was.  Everything tasted like pond scum to me for about a month afterwards. 

This year, I am going to eat my own strawberry shortcake and then send them an email to let them know how good it is and to thank them.  On 11/16, I am going out to dinner with my husband.  I am going to let my friends know and those I didn’t know thank you for your prayers and smiles and good wishes.

Those of you, who like me are survivors – remember how special we are and how we can help others get through their exiles.  Those of you who are just beginning – you have my prayers and smiles and are being carried in heart.  

We are the wildflowers blooming during after a storm in an unlikely season.  We survive storms, frost, wind, sadness.  We are amazing grace, walking.

 

Okay God, What do I do now?

We are all faced with challenges, choices, decisions.  Everyday we have to decide what to wear, whether to go to work one way or another, which bills to pay or put off to the next paycheck, which college we are going to, who we are going to date or marry, which car to lease or buy, how to raise our children, what to tell them and how to tell them.  We have moral decisions to make – should I or should I not tell about that incident, academic probation, that youthful indiscretion with that persuasvive guy….what Sunday School lesson to teach, how to teach it, what sermon to preach and how to preach it.  Decisions, decisions, decisions. What do I do?  Where do I go to find out? How do I make my decision?

A good place to start is with Nehemiah – the King of Decision Making. Of all of the people in the Bible, Nehemiah provides one of our best patterns for getting it right.

Nehemiah was faced with a huge challenge.  The walls of Jerusalem were in disrepair, and the returned exiles were vulnerable and disheartened.  When Nehemiah got this news, we see his four-step approach to the problem.

• First, he carefully studied the situation (vv. 2-3)
• Second, he sympathized with those who were hurting (v.4)
• Third, he humbled himself before God (v. 4)
• Fourth, he prayed.  And what in incredible prayer!  Nehemiah adored God (v. 5), confessed his nation’s sin to the Lord (vv. 6-7), and finally, petitioned God for help (vv.8-11).

Ultimately, Nehemiah knew what everyone who has a deep relationship with God knows;  All wisdom comes from God, and using his wisdom to make good decisions is something God wants to help us learn to do.  Prayer, then, must become a permanent part of our decision-making process, in every decision, even business matters. The fact that it might strike us as an odd notion to pray over business decisions reveals how we have fallen prey to the false notion that there is a distinction between sacred and the secular.  As fully developing followers of Jesus, our calling is to do everything in in the name of the Lord (Col.3:17).

Help me oh Lord, to make decisions according to Your will.  That my decisions be just, honorable, and the best thing for my Christian witness. 

Nehemiah 1:1-11 (NLB)

1 These are the memoirs of Nehemiah son of Hacaliah.  In late autumn, in the month of Kislev, in the twentieth year of King Artaxerxes’ reign, I was at the fortress of Susa. ² Hanani, one of my brothers, came to visit me with some other men who had just arrived from Judah. I asked them about the Jews who had returned there from captivity and about how things were going in Jerusalem.

³ They said to me, “Things are not going well for those who returned to the province of Judah. They are in great trouble and disgrace. The wall of Jerusalem has been torn down, and the gates have been destroyed by fire.”

⁴ When I heard this, I sat down and wept. In fact, for days I mourned, fasted, and prayed to the God of heaven. ⁵ Then I said, “O Lord, God of heaven, the great and awesome God who keeps his covenant of unfailing love with those who love him and obey his commands, ⁶ listen to my prayer! Look down and see me praying night and day for your people Israel. I confess that we have sinned against you. Yes, even my own family and I have sinned! ⁷ We have sinned terribly by not obeying the commands, decrees, and regulations that you gave us through your servant Moses.

⁸ “Please remember what you told your servant Moses: ‘If you are unfaithful to me, I will scatter you among the nations. ⁹ But if you return to me and obey my commands and live by them, then even if you are exiled to the ends of the earth, I will bring you back to the place I have chosen for my name to be honored.’

¹⁰ “The people you rescued by your great power and strong hand are your servants. ¹¹ O Lord, please hear my prayer! Listen to the prayers of those of us who delight in honoring you. Please grant me success today by making the king favorable to me.^] Put it into his heart to be kind to me.”

In those days I was the king’s cup-bearer.