Let’s Play Pretend

For Marian’s Prompt at Real Toads about coming out Gay along with a song from Boy Erased.

Let’s Play Pretend
“To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all.”  Oscar Wilde

So this is a poem where we imagine coming out.
We imagine how we would feel.
We pretend we know what it is like.
But those of us who are born
with Straight Priviledge –
can never know.
We relate things about people we know –
Who are Lesbian, Homosexual, Transgender,
Transexual, Bisexual, Gay, Questioning…
We listen to music that is calculated to wring tears
from a stone.
My best friend and sister of my soul
Is A Lesbian.
I know all about her coming out,
Her use of drugs and alcohol.
Hell, I did a lot of those drugs with her myself
and got equally as drunk.
But do I know what it was like for her?
Did I feel the pain of her lover leaving her
and breaking her heart?
No I did not.
I am not going to pretend I do.
I will continue to love her
the sister of my soul
and pray the world treats her
as she deserves.
She is one of the finest people I know.
And we straight people
pretending we know,
pretending we understand,
well, we can keep on pretending.
It makes us appear cool.

Haiku 05152018

This is posted on Real Toads Tuesday Platform in honor and memory of my friend Peggie who died three years ago today due to complications from COPD. She was a true onnebugeisha. She rescued greyhounds, people (including me), she loved her country, and she loved to laugh.  She never called a “turd a rose” …thank you Fireblossom for this wonderful quote.

summer night is long –
dew falls but fades at morning –
grasses remember

Quadrille Monday dVerse Poets Pub

Today at dVerse Poets Pub, Grace has given us the word “green” for the Quadrille word prompt “.  What a lovely word for the blending of late spring and early summer.  Poems must use the prompt word (title doesn’t count) in a poem of exactly 44 words – no more, no less.  I am writing this poem in memory of my friend Peggie Duggan who died a year ago May 15.  Her memory is ever green among those of us who were gifted by her light.

Tender Green
when love was green
and tenderly grew through the still
frozen ground of winter –
when green memories bloomed
in early spring frost –
I reach back to draw them near again
but they dissolve in my weeping hands
and return to sleep in frozen earth

grass shoots Public Domain Image

grass shoots Public Domain Image

 

Haibun Monday #11 – Reach Out

I am hosting the dVerse Poets Pub for Haibun Monday. My prompt was inspired by the new “Call a Swede” in honor of the 250th anniversary ban on censorship in Sweden. You call a number and a randomized Swede will answer and talk to you about whatever you wish. I did it and had a great time. I then was reminded how easily we often seem to talk to strangers rather than those closest to us. So the haibun prompt is “communication” – to write a haibun about a conversation, email, phone call that changed you somehow, to write about someone you haven’t but need to speak with, uncomfortable silences, happy reconnections. I imagine there will be some interesting takes on this prompt. It is an unusual subject for a haibun but I tell you all truly, it was one that weighed upon me. I lost three dear friends in 2015: suicide, COPD, drunk driver. I wish I could call them and say hello. I thank you all for your support of my blog and work through the years. You are all dear to me.

public domain image

public domain image

Last Call
“Couched in our indifference like waves upon the shore, you can hear the ocean roar…” Dangling Conversation, Paul Simon

I recognized the number in my Caller ID – it was the government agency for whom I had worked a decade earlier. I had kept up with several of my co-workers there through the years and knew their numbers both at the agency and their homes. When I answered, there was silence and then the attempt to speak and finally the words, “It’s bad. Karl is dead. He committed suicide and his brother found him yesterday. Plans are…”. I mumbled a few words and thanked Sarah for calling me. I had tried calling Karl several times the past couple of weeks and left messages on his voice mail which were not returned. I had decided I was going by over the coming weekend. Karl was notorious for going into hiding and only going to work and not speaking to anyone unless he was confronted at home. I actually was not surprised at the news. Grieved, saddened, shaken – but I had been expecting this since I first met him thirty years earlier. The love of his life had died of AIDS and Karl had never fully recovered.

An hour later, I knew there was a call I had to make. I had not spoken to this man since he had boarded a plan and returned to his home in Japan. In that odd manner of life, Karl had first been my friend and then the two of them met through me and became fast immediate friends. Opposites but brothers of the soul. One a disciplined passionate Japanese man who played the piano as if his soul was on fire and gregarious. The other a sensitive, wounded gay man who harbored deep silences and only let a precious few into his life. The two remained friends visiting each other yearly after the Japanese man had returned to his country. Karl kept the two of us apprised of each other – nope, still not married, she is beginning to date, he dates sometimes, calling us both idiots and loving us both until finally Karl gave the news, she is married to a great guy, a good man.

And now, I had to make that call. He knew it was me when he saw the number in his Caller ID for the first words out of his mouth were “What is wrong?” And then I told him Karl was dead. Silence across thousands of miles. And finally on his end, “Does his brother still live at the same address? What are the plans? I will try to come.” Awkwardly I said I was sorry to call with such news. With his usual to the point, words slicing like his deftly wielded katana, “Oddyseus’ wife waited.” I pulled my own sword and said, “And she was his wife and he always meant to return.” The silence on the other end let me know I had drawn blood with that last stroke. I disconnected the phone. Later my husband broke my silence as I worked at sharpening and honing my kitchen blades. All he said was, “I love you.” And it was everything I needed to hear.

silence in the spring –
cherry blossoms are gone – birds
sleep among the branches

Peggy: Brave Heart

A friend of mine died last May.
She knew she was dying and every breath
she forced from her battered lungs
only brought her closer to the end.

She was always there for her friends
And always willing to talk
And make your tears go away
By replacing the pain in your heart
With some of her joy.

In the end, I think it was her courage to share
That brought her end more quickly.
But being her, she could do no less.
Five feet tall, 86 pounds of wasted body.

I wonder if I would have the courage
To pour myself out so freely.
I wonder if I would hoard my breath
Or use it to laugh and make others laugh.

I wonder if I would ever have such courage.
I wonder if I would have so much love.

Peggie in Better Days taken by a friend

Peggie in Better Days taken by a friend

Christmas Miracle – not a sobby story

This is being linked to Poets United Poetry Pantry http://poetryblogroll.blogspot.com/2016/01/poetry-pantry-284.html

grey drizzly day
didn’t feel like Christmas –
77 degrees farenheit
quiet – my husband I opened our two packages
and smiled over hot homemade biscuits
and orange juice.
We have each other –
we can’t complain….
except it’s 77 degrees Farenheit
and grey drizzly day.
Inspiration hit –
Let’s treat ourselves to the new Star Wars movie
and deciding he felt up to going
out in the world
We went.
Interminable ads,
horrible previews,
theater crammed.
I was beginning to regret this.
And then…..
And then…..
The opening fanfare.
A spontaneous roar went through my fellow movie goers
and then…
and then…
everyone was standing and cheering –
my husband and I held hands and grinned
and then…
and then…
the guy next to me reached for my hand and the guy beside my husband
grabbed his hand and before one could blink,
everyone on the row was holding hands,
smiling,
cheering…
thirty strangers all united in one swelling laugh.
Holding our hands up in the air
and around the theater,
other groups of people holding hands.
Oh….and of course I shed some tears
because we were friends – in just that moment.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful it we could find a common
source of joy and all around the world
put down our rifles and our money and our prejudice
and just be friends?
Even for only five minutes?
and then…
and then…

This is being linked to Poets United Poetry Pantry http://poetryblogroll.blogspot.com/2016/01/poetry-pantry-284.html

Cookie Exchange!

cookies - copyright kanzensakura

cookies – copyright kanzensakura

Yesterday, my friend Leah had a cookie exchange. Talk about fun! She opened her home to a group of women who brought home cooked cookies….yes, real homemade cookies and no variety was repeated. Scandinavian almond cookies, soft fragrant ginger cookies, snicker doodles, chocolate chip, oatmeal in several varieties….yum deluxe.

Leah’s home was very happily decorated for Christmas, she had great finger food, and her sweet Lab, Butters, made friends with everyone and graciously snacked on pilfered goodies – crackers, carrots, apple slices, bacon wrapped crackers….it was a hard job but Butters held up his part of the job well.

I do hope you all will be able to participate in a cookie exchange. If not, I hope you will be able to bake and share cookies that are part of your celebration traditions and that others will share with you.

Blessings and happiness to you all!!!

Haibun Monday: d’Verse Poetics

Today is Haibun Monday at D’Verse Poetics Pub. Bjorn and guest, Hamish Gunn, have given us the prompt to use one of two quotes from poet Khalil Gibran.  http://dversepoets.com/2015/10/05/haibun-monday-2/

 

Peaceful Dragon
Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity. Khalil Gibran

A cold, wet day in Kyoto. I did not want to be here but since I was, I decided to go to Ryoanji, a few blocks from the hotel where I was booked. Because it was cold winter rain, I took a taxi instead of walking. The taxi driver was happy I was American. I sat in the back seat for the few moments it took. Several times I caught his eye in the rear view mirror, he always smiled. When I got out of the taxi handing him money, he waved it away. “American. Stranger. Cold.”..I could not in honor leave money after that. I bowed deeply to him as he drove off.   I hoped he would look in his mirror and see.

I was alone on the viewing platform overlooking the dry garden. I stood looking in silent awe. On top of the wall was a row of sparrows. All fluffed out, eyes bright with curiosity, they watched this Western stranger move from one end of the platform to the other until I felt “right” and sat down. A few moments later, a young man came in and sat down close by. I glanced in curiosity and he smiled,. We sat there for an hour or so breathing in the perfume of the past, breathing out the steamy breath of the present. The breaths mingled with the cold air and became absorbed. The sparrows became restless, the air turned sweet. I knew that smell – snow! Soon snow flakes joined the rain. I sensed the young man was looking at me. He pointed up and around the garden – hatsuyuki – first snow, he said and sweetly smiled at the sky. It was time to go. Stiffly I began to rise and he put out his hand to help me. We walked in silence to the parking lot where I would summon another taxi. He motioned me to follow him and without fear, I did. With gentle courtesy he opened his car and brought out a thermos. He handed me the cap and poured hot tea into it. I sipped quickly, thawing. A taxi pulled in the lot, trolling. He hailed the taxi for me and put me in speaking to the driver. I gave the driver my hotel and was taken there. I paid him and went inside. I headed for a hot shower and room service.  I blessed my new friends who gave without asking.

First snow and sparrows –
Strangers become friends beside
The peaceful dragon.

free public domain Getty Images

free public domain Getty Images

Happy 4th of July and in memory of Huntmode, Peggie Duggan

Last year, my beloved friend Huntmode, on her Chasing Rabbit Holes blog, posted this video of the Star Spangled Banner. A lot has happened since last year. My friend and a friend to many, Huntie died May 15 of this year. She was a true patriot and loved this country and all the people in it.

In memory of this good friend and because we have such a wonderful country that we love, let’s crank this up and sing it, shout it with our hearts. Let’s come together as Americans – not special Americans, but Americans who truly love this country. And Huntie, I know you will be singing this with us.

Happy 4th of July. God bless America. God bless us all. And let us sing as one and pray for healing for our country.  And thank a veteran!!!!!!

A hole in the world – Rest in peace, my friend Peggie

Peggie Duggan passed away suddenly May 15. Many of you knew her as the brilliant and compassionate blogger at Chasing Rabbitholes.

Always fearless, always loving, always with a kind word. My heart is broken and I can only sit and weep at the light which has left our world. She leaves behind her rescued greyhound, Ella, her cat Elby, and friends who deeply love her and will miss her sweetness. The death of her brother Sean last year was so hard for her and I can only say that now the two are together and her heart is satisfied at being with those who have gone before.

Sleep well my friend. Rest. It was a hard battle for you. I love you.

The Walk – Part X – Promises Kept

Several years ago, I had the privilege of reviewing the application for licensure in my state, a Japanese engineer from Fukushima, transferred to a branch of his company here in the States. After a rocky and difficult beginning, he finally realized and accepted what must be done to complete the process. After a time, he asked me to lunch because of the gratitude he had for the help I had given him. I told him I could not do that. he then asked, Would you go for a walk around the office park then, on your lunch break? I happily said yes because I had learned much about him and wanted to know more. He reminded me a great deal also, of a love that had come to an end when my Samurai returned to Japan. This began many walks and conversations on Friday of the weeks he was in town. I told him there were sixty-five cherry trees within the park and we visited them all. Our favorite place to walk and often sit and talk was under a few trees atop a small hill overlooking a pond. The series of poems about our friendship all begin with “The Walk” and the number in the series.

Spring day – cold, foggy, and grey
But clearing skies begin
Clouds running away
Yielding space to blue sky and sun.

Cool wind, the man and woman
Tug their jackets closely and
Walk to their place on the hill.
The small pond below is
Rippling in the wind.
The cherry trees are
Slowly opening their buds,
Unsure of spring.
They bloom here and there
In small clusters, still
Fearful of winter.

Pointing upward she said
“I told you they would
Bloom again.” He smiled.
“Do you always keep
Your promises?”
She smiled. “Yes. Especially
Promises about sakura and friendship.”
He glanced at
The branches of the
Cherry tree above. He reached
Up and pulled down a
Branch for her to better see.
The branch was full of blooms –
Pink and perfect.
They stood and gazed, rapt
At the beauty of it.
He looked down at her and sighed
And let the branch go.
“The blossoms are perfect.
All of them.”
He bowed to the tree.
He bowed to her,
Deeply with respect.
He touched her cheek.
He looked again at the branches
Above him with the blooms
She promised would come again.
He looked  into her eyes
And again, sighed.

copyright kanzensakura

copyright kanzensakura

The Walk: Part Vl – Tsunami: One year Anniversary, 2012.

In 2011, I became friends with a Japanese engineer who was transferred by his company in Fukushima to one of their branches in the USA. I was in charge of reviewing and approving applications for licensure made by foreign engineers, specifically Japan and Canada. There were items needed to complete his application and he had been notified of the deficiencies. A back and forth of emails and phone calls ensued. One day, he just showed up at the office and was sent to me. A handsome and proud man, he asked me to see the man in charge. I told him I was the “man” in charge of his application and licensure. I removed us to a private conferring room and went over his files with him. He said he could never get the information needed. “Don’t you understand? Do you have any idea what a tsunami is and how this was total devastation?” I was dealing with frustration and deep grief. Eventually, we found a way for him to obtain the required information.

The day after I called him to let him know that finally, the process was complete and he had been approved for licensure. On Friday, he came to the office again requesting to see me. Because I had worked so hard and helped him so much (at one point serving him green tea and homemade udon during a long session. I had brought my lunch from home that day and shared it with him) he wanted to take me to lunch. When I told him that was not allowed, he asked if I would take a walk instead. It was peak cherry blossom season and in the office park were over 65 cherry trees. I knew exactly where I would take him. This began a long and deep friendship. Every Friday, if he was in town and I was in my office, we would walk and talk. We learned much about each other.

I wrote a series of poems about this friendship – The Walk – and there are various parts to it. This is one of those parts, posted in memory of those who lost their lives during the tsunami of 2011 and in honor of those who survived and rebuilt.

free public domain photo

free public domain photo

She looked at the calendar and sighed.
It was not Friday, the usual day of their walks.
It was the one year anniversary of the tsunami.
She knew he would be there
In their place under the cherry trees.

The cherry buds were barely beginning to show color.
A bit of pink, bit of white, bit of red.
Holding themselves tight
On this day.
No blooms today.

She walked to their place.
He was standing
Huddled in his coat
Looking diminished by his grief.

Tears coursed down his cheeks –
Rain running down a smooth brown rock,
A statue, the bark of a tree.

Softly she walked until she came beside him
And gently touched the sleeve of his coat.
She looked into eyes that had witnessed hell
And still was looking through that broken window.

“That day, the sea ate up our town.
I lost friends at the nuclear facility.
We tried, we tried but we were helpless.
The sea washed away my home,
The graves of my wife and son,
Friends, people I knew in the neighborhood.
Pets, belongings, altars…
All eaten by the wild animal sea.”

“And now I am here.
Alone. I eat alone, I sleep alone,
I drive alone.
I try to fix a meal to remind me of home
But it doesn’t smell the same
Or taste the same.
Gone…gone…so many just gone,
Swept away like garbage.”

She listened.
She took his hands in hers.
“I promise you –
Japan will rebuild.
The cherry blossoms will bloom.
Children will be born.
I am your friend.
You will make more friends.
Let us light candles for the souls of the lost.
Let us light incense and send our prayers
Out for those who live and who rebuild.
I promise you, on my honor.”

Fitful flakes of snow
caught in his hair
as he lit a candle and set it
at the base of the cherry tree.
He bent down
And she held him close as he wept.
She could only be his friend.

copyright kanzensakura

copyright kanzensakura

free public domain image

free public domain image

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