The First

Today the theme at Toads is first, one….It is the first of April. Everyone seems to be jumping onto the nanomopomo or whatever it is. I don’t do it. I follow the advice my father and my mother gave me many years ago.

My First
I wrote my first haiku when I was six.
I write my first poem when I was eleven.
I kissed my first boy when I was fourteen.
I kissed my first man when I was twenty.
But the first poem…
It was as devastating as the first ocean wave
that roared over me knocking me down
and rolling me about on the sand,
That first poem was as astounding as the first
falling star I saw,
As miraculous as the first time I walked barefoot
in the dew bedecked grass.
It was as mind blowing as the first book I ever read
from beginning to end –
The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe,
I remember the fountain pen my father have me –
Write from your heart he said.
The small black loose leaf notebook
given to me by my mother –
Write in this everyday wherever your soul leads you.
After my mother died
I found the cedar chest she had bought when she was fourteen
crammed full of my notebooks, school work,
poems and stories…
I closed the lid and the door to her room.
Maybe one day, I will open the door again.

Haibun Monday – the only thing we have to fear…

Today I am hosting the Haibun Monday prompt. It is on fear – fear of things, fear of being out of control, fear of losing loved ones, fear – primal and raw. Come join us today.

My Mother’s Daughter
Several years ago my mother began displaying erratic and irresponsible behavior. She was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Since then it has been a downhill road – she has forgotten how to walk, often forgets she has not eaten, has become incontinent. It is heartbreaking. Especially as my mother varies between paranoid, hostile towards me, and loving mother. My husband and I have no children. We did not get married until I was 49 and he was 39. It is just us and his mother who is starting to go somewhat erratic herself.

I am afraid when I look at my mother that one day, I will be sitting in a wheelchair, in her place. I will have no one to know or to care about me except maybe a nursing home. I kept her at home as long as I could but then one day, it became evident I could no longer care for my mother. Then I was afraid of the nursing home in which to place her. But praise God, she was sent from being in the hospital to a small nursing home with only 90 beds and ten minutes from our home. I can visit her often and have formed, during her stay there since January, friendships among the staff and caring relationships with some of the residents. But I am still afraid. My past fears of clowns, losing loved ones, spiders – pales in comparison to this new fear of Alzheimers. Alzheimer’s – one of the scariest words in the human vocabulary.

spring sky turns black – storm
begins and wind blows strong – hawk
flies against the wind

Quadrille Monday: Quadrille #29

De is hosting our Quadrille Monday. A quadrille is a 44 word poem exactly, using a prompted word. De has chosen “balloon” for us today.  Come join us for these wonderful short poems.  Quadrille #29


Mama’s Balloon

Breath of God
blown into a pink balloon.
It grew larger and larger
and it soared and dipped
until one day,
My mother was told
her left ventricle had ballooned out
and it could burst at any minute.
I hope it is quick: aneurysm

Hiatus from Blogging

Hello all my dear friends.

I will be taking a brief hiatus from blogging.  My mother, who has Alzheimers and is in frail health, is in the process of being put into hospice care.  She also lives with me in my home so caretaking has been difficult.  It is a painful part of my life, watching my once vital, funny, and intelligent mother dying.   I will be back as soon as I can.  In the meantime, I wish you all happy holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and many many hugs and blessings.  I imagine I will be back sooner than I anticipate because I love writing so very much.  In the meantime, your prayers and good wishes are earnestly needed.

Take care of yourselves.
Love,
Toni

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