SamCat – Sleep Sweetly Dear Friend

 

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 Yesterday, I had my precious SamCat euthanized. Had not been feeling well and I took him to the Vet. We discovered there was a large tumor on his large, loving, brave heart. I could have prolonged the inevitable, but he was too good of a cat and friend to be subjected to my selfishness. He would have slowly starved and suffocated to death. At this point, he was only beginning to suffer and so I decided he deserved to go out on the up rather than on the down.

This morning, his warm presence was not felt. The house was empty. My constant companion who always sat between my keyboard and the monitor was absent, never to return. SamCat did several guest blogs for me. I was honored he did this for me. He lived his first three years in a cage. The rest of his life, he lived in my heart.  He still has permanent residence there.

You all who have had this type of life know what is going on with me. I don’t need to go into details. I started crying yesterday morning at 11:00 am and really haven’t stopped. SamCat was my friend and always listened and never judged. He even liked my poetry.

In my heart, I know my Papa and my grandmother have been loving on him and giving him treats up in heaven. SamB and Puglsey have a new playmate. They are rich and now I am poor. My only regret is he is gone.

cold space where his warm
body would lie waiting for
me to come and sit.

54 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. kelly
    Oct 27, 2015 @ 20:49:22

    Oh…. This made me cry. I have been there, more than once, and your words pierced right through my heart. Sending you a big hug, your SamCat was well-loved.

    Reply

  2. Grace
    Oct 27, 2015 @ 20:50:17

    A moving write Toni ~ Hugs to you ~

    Reply

  3. Bodhirose
    Oct 27, 2015 @ 21:01:16

    Thank you for sharing photos of SamCat. What a beautiful friend and I loved hearing about your connection with each other. I agree with your decision to let him leave on the upswing rather than the down. That was brave and selfless of you. It’s not been quite a year since we lost our cat. He was the center of our household….we still miss him so much and love him dearly.

    Reply

  4. Mary
    Oct 27, 2015 @ 21:09:16

    Oh, I understand, Toni. A cat or dog is definitely family, and when one passes away it is as sad as if one has lost a human family member. I had to put down two dogs at different times. I was so saddened by this. At least with humans who are failing we can have conversations, but not with beloved animals. I missed my two greatly, wrote poems about them, did a lot of crying. But now I have three more. Sad that their lives are so much shorter than ours….I know this, but still the loving of them and the love in return is worth it. I know it is too early for you to think about it, but I hope you will in time adopt another cat…..it will never replace SamCat, but it will bring you joy in his/her own way, and love will be exchanged again. Meanwhile, I know what it is like. My condolences to you on the loss of SamCat.

    Reply

  5. Sanaa Rizvi
    Oct 27, 2015 @ 21:38:49

    This is a beautiful tribute to Samcat. Please accept my deepest heartfelt condolences.

    Reply

  6. seeker
    Oct 27, 2015 @ 22:00:06

    Toni, I am so sorry. My heart goes to you. Perpetua

    Reply

  7. Let's CUT the Crap!
    Oct 27, 2015 @ 22:03:57

    I had no idea, Kansen. So sorry for you loss.

    Reply

  8. Bryan Ens
    Oct 28, 2015 @ 00:03:13

    So sorry for your loss, Tori.

    Reply

  9. Björn Rudberg (brudberg)
    Oct 28, 2015 @ 01:52:27

    I think this is so fitting to the prompt, and I still remember the sorrow when our family cats left us… Somehow those cats are still in my heart, and a reason I do not dare to bond to an animal I know will leave.. Thank you for sharing.

    Reply

    • kanzensakura
      Oct 28, 2015 @ 16:16:19

      This was so very painful that for the first time, in my heart I said no more. I can’t take this again. One day soon I hope I’ll stop crying…but not today

      .

      Reply

  10. arlene
    Oct 28, 2015 @ 03:31:58

    So sorry to hear about your pet.

    Reply

  11. Sue Vincent
    Oct 28, 2015 @ 06:14:12

    Neither Ani nor I can like this. I can’t even imagine how much hurt there is in that empty space. We send what love we can through tears. SamCat will remain an honoured guest in our hearts. Hugs x

    Reply

  12. ayala zarfjian (@ayalazarfjian)
    Oct 28, 2015 @ 06:49:02

    So sad. I am sorry.

    Reply

  13. The Persecution of Mildred Dunlap
    Oct 28, 2015 @ 09:30:16

    Beautifully poignant homage to Sam Cat. I’m so sorry for your loss.

    Reply

  14. paper sea
    Oct 28, 2015 @ 10:57:31

    I can only imagine the pain you’re going through. I love the special details, like the way he would nap between your keyboard and monitor … and how he’s with your other departed loved ones now. This is such a moving piece; thank you for sharing your heart. Beautiful work.

    Reply

  15. Victoria C. Slotto
    Oct 28, 2015 @ 14:06:48

    Oh, dang, Toni. This made me cry. I know the feeling of missing that warm body snuggling against you as I don’t have the dogs with me right now. There is such an emptiness when we lose these loving critters. I’m proud of you for making the tough, unselfish decision to help him die easily. It’s so selfish just to keep them alive for ourselves. I have such mixed feeling about doing this for people…I strongly believe in the dignity of life and that each person is here for a reason. Working hospice, I also believe it’s important to manage symptoms. The last hospice I worked with we were trying to set up a hospice for pets, where we could manage their symptoms like we do those of people. It never happened though because we couldn’t find vets to work with us. This was quite a while ago and I know that there are some areas that have succeeded…I’m kind of weepy now but off to lunch with a dear desert friend.

    Reply

    • kanzensakura
      Oct 28, 2015 @ 16:20:46

      Having watched so many people die, I wish we could decide this for them. Managing his sptoms for awhile would have been selfish of me. It was hard but I felt he deserved more from me. Had never failed me. To fail him at his time of need would have dishonored his sweet brave spirit. But it seems I have cried myself to dehydration and still the tears come.

      Reply

  16. writersdream9
    Oct 28, 2015 @ 18:16:21

    I am so sorry for your loss. You have described him beautifully!

    Reply

  17. kaykuala (@hankkaykuala)
    Oct 28, 2015 @ 18:35:08

    How very sad! More so when one had to make that difficult decision to decide on another’s life. Great haibun Toni!

    Hank

    Reply

  18. Pleasant Street
    Oct 28, 2015 @ 19:21:11

    This is beautiful. I’m sorry you lost your kitty and your friend

    Reply

  19. lynn__
    Oct 29, 2015 @ 00:15:32

    I am sorry to hear of your loss…this was a loving tribute to your dear SamCat.

    Reply

  20. Bernice
    Oct 29, 2015 @ 12:11:21

    I am sorry to hear that. It is so hard to lose a beloved pet!

    Reply

  21. Sherry Marr
    Nov 01, 2015 @ 20:23:11

    Toni, you did the brave and loving and unselfish thing, so he didnt have to suffer. I am sure he blesses you for that. But I know all too well how huge a presence his absence is.. It is four and a half years since Pup died and I still cry every time I think of him. So I know. I am so sorry for your very huge loss. I have a photo of Pup’s face, looking into my eyes, between my keyboard and the monitor….maybe that is an idea for you, since Sami loved to sit there. I am so sorry.

    Reply

    • kanzensakura
      Nov 01, 2015 @ 20:29:24

      That grief never does leave. At some point, I may have a pic of him put there but at this point, all I can see is that last look out of his sweet eyes. These precious animals – how they capture and hold our hearts. I like the pic of Pup you keep on your website. This past month, it seems so many have lost their companion or remember an anniversary. We are so blessed and enlarged by them. Thank you for your feelings on this.

      Reply

  22. MarinaSofia
    Nov 02, 2015 @ 16:01:24

    Those dear, dear companions – they really do occupy a very special place in our hearts. I’ve been thinking a lot about you and wish you some comfort.

    Reply

  23. Kathy Reed
    Nov 05, 2015 @ 10:13:30

    I am sorry for loss so recently; I miss my Katie, the good night kisses and the purring…the companionship and know you miss yours, too. You did a great job of getting it down on paper.

    Reply

  24. Beni
    Nov 09, 2015 @ 20:38:34

    Reply

    • kanzensakura
      Nov 16, 2015 @ 00:19:04

      Thank you Beni. This was so lovely and you know me, it made me cry and cry. It is taking a long time. I’ve lost so many I love lately, Jeff, Peggie, SamCat….it has been hard.

      Reply

  25. Sarah
    Nov 25, 2015 @ 06:25:57

    I am so, so sorry to hear this. And sorry I keep losing touch with you.
    I hope that you are healing. Our small furry companions leave big holes, don’t they? ❤

    Reply

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