Yesterday, I had my precious SamCat euthanized. Had not been feeling well and I took him to the Vet. We discovered there was a large tumor on his large, loving, brave heart. I could have prolonged the inevitable, but he was too good of a cat and friend to be subjected to my selfishness. He would have slowly starved and suffocated to death. At this point, he was only beginning to suffer and so I decided he deserved to go out on the up rather than on the down.
This morning, his warm presence was not felt. The house was empty. My constant companion who always sat between my keyboard and the monitor was absent, never to return. SamCat did several guest blogs for me. I was honored he did this for me. He lived his first three years in a cage. The rest of his life, he lived in my heart. He still has permanent residence there.
You all who have had this type of life know what is going on with me. I don’t need to go into details. I started crying yesterday morning at 11:00 am and really haven’t stopped. SamCat was my friend and always listened and never judged. He even liked my poetry.
In my heart, I know my Papa and my grandmother have been loving on him and giving him treats up in heaven. SamB and Puglsey have a new playmate. They are rich and now I am poor. My only regret is he is gone.
cold space where his warm
body would lie waiting for
me to come and sit.
kanzen sakura 
Oct 27, 2015 @ 20:49:22
Oh…. This made me cry. I have been there, more than once, and your words pierced right through my heart. Sending you a big hug, your SamCat was well-loved.
Oct 30, 2015 @ 13:21:10
Thank you
Oct 27, 2015 @ 20:50:17
A moving write Toni ~ Hugs to you ~
Oct 30, 2015 @ 13:20:41
Thank you
Oct 27, 2015 @ 21:01:16
Thank you for sharing photos of SamCat. What a beautiful friend and I loved hearing about your connection with each other. I agree with your decision to let him leave on the upswing rather than the down. That was brave and selfless of you. It’s not been quite a year since we lost our cat. He was the center of our household….we still miss him so much and love him dearly.
Oct 30, 2015 @ 13:19:49
Thank you
Oct 27, 2015 @ 21:09:16
Oh, I understand, Toni. A cat or dog is definitely family, and when one passes away it is as sad as if one has lost a human family member. I had to put down two dogs at different times. I was so saddened by this. At least with humans who are failing we can have conversations, but not with beloved animals. I missed my two greatly, wrote poems about them, did a lot of crying. But now I have three more. Sad that their lives are so much shorter than ours….I know this, but still the loving of them and the love in return is worth it. I know it is too early for you to think about it, but I hope you will in time adopt another cat…..it will never replace SamCat, but it will bring you joy in his/her own way, and love will be exchanged again. Meanwhile, I know what it is like. My condolences to you on the loss of SamCat.
Oct 30, 2015 @ 13:19:25
This one has hurt so badly I don’t think I can take it again….
Oct 27, 2015 @ 21:38:49
This is a beautiful tribute to Samcat. Please accept my deepest heartfelt condolences.
Oct 30, 2015 @ 13:18:47
thank you
Oct 27, 2015 @ 22:00:06
Toni, I am so sorry. My heart goes to you. Perpetua
Oct 27, 2015 @ 22:04:43
Thank you dear Perpetual. Please remember me in your prayers.
Oct 27, 2015 @ 22:10:18
I will, I will. For courage and consolation of having and missing SamCat, to the most sacred heart of our Lord I pray in during this trying moment. Lord, have mercy on Toni.
Oct 27, 2015 @ 22:17:07
Bless you
Oct 27, 2015 @ 22:03:57
I had no idea, Kansen. So sorry for you loss.
Oct 27, 2015 @ 22:06:01
I just sent you an email. It was sudden. I anticipated getting antibiotic and steroids to fix something simple…alas.
Oct 27, 2015 @ 22:27:38
XX XX ❤
Oct 28, 2015 @ 00:03:13
So sorry for your loss, Tori.
Oct 30, 2015 @ 13:18:11
thank you
Oct 28, 2015 @ 01:52:27
I think this is so fitting to the prompt, and I still remember the sorrow when our family cats left us… Somehow those cats are still in my heart, and a reason I do not dare to bond to an animal I know will leave.. Thank you for sharing.
Oct 28, 2015 @ 16:16:19
This was so very painful that for the first time, in my heart I said no more. I can’t take this again. One day soon I hope I’ll stop crying…but not today
.
Oct 28, 2015 @ 03:31:58
So sorry to hear about your pet.
Oct 28, 2015 @ 06:14:12
Neither Ani nor I can like this. I can’t even imagine how much hurt there is in that empty space. We send what love we can through tears. SamCat will remain an honoured guest in our hearts. Hugs x
Oct 28, 2015 @ 19:02:10
Thank you Sue. O told SamCat that Ani would know and would miss her friend. It was so very hard. I keep looking expecting him to jump in the chair with me, trying to sneak outside, his sweet face as I rubbed him. In just a couple days it went bad fast. I can’t stop crying. Hug Ani really good for me and thank her for her friendship to my boy.
Oct 28, 2015 @ 19:25:14
My friend, I have cried for you both every time I have thought of you or cuddled Ani. I can’t begin to imagine… I know the thought of losing Ani one day is bad enough. Hugs from both of us. x
Oct 28, 2015 @ 19:26:38
Bless both of your sweet hearts.
Oct 28, 2015 @ 19:29:33
The midnight haiku is for you and SamCat.
Oct 28, 2015 @ 06:49:02
So sad. I am sorry.
Oct 30, 2015 @ 13:17:42
Thank you.
Oct 28, 2015 @ 09:30:16
Beautifully poignant homage to Sam Cat. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Oct 30, 2015 @ 13:17:26
Thank you Paulette
Oct 28, 2015 @ 10:57:31
I can only imagine the pain you’re going through. I love the special details, like the way he would nap between your keyboard and monitor … and how he’s with your other departed loved ones now. This is such a moving piece; thank you for sharing your heart. Beautiful work.
Oct 30, 2015 @ 13:17:08
Thank you for your kind words.
Oct 28, 2015 @ 14:06:48
Oh, dang, Toni. This made me cry. I know the feeling of missing that warm body snuggling against you as I don’t have the dogs with me right now. There is such an emptiness when we lose these loving critters. I’m proud of you for making the tough, unselfish decision to help him die easily. It’s so selfish just to keep them alive for ourselves. I have such mixed feeling about doing this for people…I strongly believe in the dignity of life and that each person is here for a reason. Working hospice, I also believe it’s important to manage symptoms. The last hospice I worked with we were trying to set up a hospice for pets, where we could manage their symptoms like we do those of people. It never happened though because we couldn’t find vets to work with us. This was quite a while ago and I know that there are some areas that have succeeded…I’m kind of weepy now but off to lunch with a dear desert friend.
Oct 28, 2015 @ 16:20:46
Having watched so many people die, I wish we could decide this for them. Managing his sptoms for awhile would have been selfish of me. It was hard but I felt he deserved more from me. Had never failed me. To fail him at his time of need would have dishonored his sweet brave spirit. But it seems I have cried myself to dehydration and still the tears come.
Oct 28, 2015 @ 18:16:21
I am so sorry for your loss. You have described him beautifully!
Oct 30, 2015 @ 13:16:09
He was a sweet boy. Thank you
Oct 28, 2015 @ 18:35:08
How very sad! More so when one had to make that difficult decision to decide on another’s life. Great haibun Toni!
Hank
Oct 30, 2015 @ 13:15:45
Thank you.
Oct 28, 2015 @ 19:21:11
This is beautiful. I’m sorry you lost your kitty and your friend
Oct 30, 2015 @ 13:15:32
Thank you.
Oct 29, 2015 @ 00:15:32
I am sorry to hear of your loss…this was a loving tribute to your dear SamCat.
Oct 30, 2015 @ 13:07:15
Thank you. the house is so empty.
Oct 29, 2015 @ 12:11:21
I am sorry to hear that. It is so hard to lose a beloved pet!
Oct 30, 2015 @ 13:06:50
Yes it is. Thank you.
Nov 01, 2015 @ 20:23:11
Toni, you did the brave and loving and unselfish thing, so he didnt have to suffer. I am sure he blesses you for that. But I know all too well how huge a presence his absence is.. It is four and a half years since Pup died and I still cry every time I think of him. So I know. I am so sorry for your very huge loss. I have a photo of Pup’s face, looking into my eyes, between my keyboard and the monitor….maybe that is an idea for you, since Sami loved to sit there. I am so sorry.
Nov 01, 2015 @ 20:29:24
That grief never does leave. At some point, I may have a pic of him put there but at this point, all I can see is that last look out of his sweet eyes. These precious animals – how they capture and hold our hearts. I like the pic of Pup you keep on your website. This past month, it seems so many have lost their companion or remember an anniversary. We are so blessed and enlarged by them. Thank you for your feelings on this.
Nov 02, 2015 @ 16:01:24
Those dear, dear companions – they really do occupy a very special place in our hearts. I’ve been thinking a lot about you and wish you some comfort.
Nov 02, 2015 @ 16:02:55
Thank you so much. I have been in a dark and sad place and finding it hard to get out that place. But it will come in time.
Nov 05, 2015 @ 10:13:30
I am sorry for loss so recently; I miss my Katie, the good night kisses and the purring…the companionship and know you miss yours, too. You did a great job of getting it down on paper.
Nov 05, 2015 @ 11:01:35
Thank you for your kindness. It was hard to write but I needed to do it. This time seemed harder than others.
Nov 09, 2015 @ 20:38:34
Nov 16, 2015 @ 00:19:04
Thank you Beni. This was so lovely and you know me, it made me cry and cry. It is taking a long time. I’ve lost so many I love lately, Jeff, Peggie, SamCat….it has been hard.
Nov 25, 2015 @ 06:25:57
I am so, so sorry to hear this. And sorry I keep losing touch with you.
I hope that you are healing. Our small furry companions leave big holes, don’t they? ❤
Feb 20, 2019 @ 13:11:51
all though this is a few years ago, it is ageless. You know how I feel….without words between us. Every time I used to say, no more, no more…the pain is too great, and then I think: all these strays, these babies. How can I close my heart down? And we don’t. Bless you and Samcat.